I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
