thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
