Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
