I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
