Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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