this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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