I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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