just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
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