just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Green mimosas i think yes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
