Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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