this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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