just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
