i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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