My sheets look like a crime scene.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
