so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
