yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ambien. No doubt about it.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
