I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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