areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
