So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
