the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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