I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
