Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Found the puke drawer
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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