I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
