I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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