The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
