i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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