Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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