The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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