I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
