Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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