Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
