Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize