Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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