Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
did i walk over a car last night?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
