mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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