I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
