remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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