I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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