sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
