I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've blown a few things in my day
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
