I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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