It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
