Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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