My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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