I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize