I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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