found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize