Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I love you.
Bad choice
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
