Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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