I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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