nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
