Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
