I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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