he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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