How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
